Love, Adora
by Johanna's Motivational Insults
Summary: Adora has been holding out hope that she and Catra would find a way back to each other. But now that hope has been snuffed out. The Catra she knew is gone, and she's not coming back. (Backstory for the letter to Catra in the Rebel Princess Guide.)


A/N: Because the Rebel Princess Guide gave me feelings.

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It's dawn, Adora knows that without opening her eyes. Birds are singing somewhere outside her window, heralding the dawn of a new day. Her eyelids can't quite block out the light of morning. And it's warm in her room. Really warm, actually.

As Adora drifts into waking, she becomes aware of the body pressed up against her back and the arm draped over her waist. She smiles on impulse. There is only one person who has ever held her this way, and only rarely. Adora always had to be strong and only let Catra do this when she was sick or injured. She secretly liked that part of being sick or injured. It made her feel warm, and safe. And loved.

Catra nuzzles the back of Adora's neck before her lips and breath brush her ear in a gentle whisper. "Hey, Adora."

A smile as bright as the daytime moon splits Adora's lips. Turning onto her back, she cracks open her eyes to find Catra propped up on one elbow, smirking down at her.

"Hey, Catra." Adora's grin fades to a soft, contented smile as she stares in delight at Catra's face, illuminated by the morning moonrise. She's so beautiful, with her chiseled jaw and mismatched eyes and pointy ears that perk and flop about.

"What?" Catra balks, tail flicking with obvious embarrassment. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I don't know. Feels like I haven't seen you in ages." Adora stretches, eyes squeezing shut with a yawn as her legs rustle under the covers. Sleepy eyes settling on Catra again, she murmurs, "Mm, I think I dreamed we were fighting."

Catra laughs, as though this is the dumbest thing she's ever heard. "Why would we ever fight?"

"I dunno," chuckles Adora. "Stupid, right?" Pressure swells in her chest, an overwhelming primal urge that can only be sated by one thing. Giving in easily, Adora reaches out to touch Catra, fingertips tracing the freckles on her cheek before moving behind her ear.

Catra purrs loudly when Adora begins to scratch, pushing into the contact as her eyes fall shut with a stupidly happy grin that Adora's mouth mirrors automatically. Gods, how she loves seeing Catra happy. It feels like a cool oasis in an endless desert, like it's been years since she's seen this smile, felt this quiet intimacy. Adora never wants this moment to end. She could live in it forever.

As Adora continues scratching a tiny mewl escapes Catra's throat, something almost like a whine. An electric feeling rushes through Adora and before she can even think about it she's cupping Catra's cheeks with both hands, sitting up just enough to connect their lips.

Catra freezes, and when Adora pulls back slightly she finds a look of pure shock on her best friend's face. In seconds that shock fades to determination and Catra closes her eyes, leaning back in and sparking another kiss. And another. Adora's hands weave into Catra's hair as she lays her down, settling half her weight on Adora and half on the mattress.

Their legs entwine as the kiss deepens and Adora rolls slightly so they're both on their sides. Her hand meanders down Catra's side and slips under her shirt just enough to feel the warmth of her skin and softness of her fur, fingers dragging back and forth over the short coat. Catra's hand slides down Adora's neck and over her shoulder and upper arm, giving the muscles an appreciative squeeze.

Finally Adora pulls back just enough to break the kiss and gaze at Catra's face again, ghosting a thumb over her cheek. Tears well in her eyes as she whispers, "I love you, Catra. I love you so much." Catra's eyes shine with emotion and she turns her head to press a kiss to Adora's palm. Adora sighs happily. "You mean the world to me. You know that?"

Catra turns her face back and Adora's heart drops at the sight of her pained grimace, the way her ears are drooping and tears are pooling in her eyes.

"Then why did you leave?" Catra's words turn distorted as half her body fades to black, and Adora screams.

Adora bolts upright in her bed, heart in her throat, gasping for air. Her hand presses against her aching chest, trying in vain to soothe the crushing pressure. As she catches her breath, her eyes flick around the dark room and down to her empty bed. Catra isn't here.

Adora remembers. Adora doesn't want to remember.

The portal. The switch. The woods. The sword.

Sighing heavily, Adora forces herself to face the facts. Angella is gone. Catra is gone too, for all intents and purposes. Things can never be the same now. Adora has tried and tried to get through to her, and Catra has pushed her away every time. And this time, she got someone killed. That's not something Adora can or should forgive and forget.

But how can this heartless villain be the tender, sweet, and loving girl Adora remembers in her dreams? Her best friend, her lifeline, the girl who climbed down and slept at the foot of her bed when she heard her crying in fear of the dark? How such light and such darkness can exist in the same being, Adora can't fathom. She had to believe in Catra's goodness, believe that the light in her would win out. She was holding out hope for so long, but now that hope has been snuffed out. The Catra she knew is gone, and she's not coming back.

Tears well in Adora's eyes and her throat swells, a low, choked moan forcing its way out of her. More of the same sounds follow, morphing into wails that she has to muffle in her pillow, hugging it tight to her chest. Her cries of anguish echo around the room all the same, and she desperately hopes no one is awake to hear her. Not just because her inner Horde soldier shames her for the display of weakness, but because this is something no one else can understand, something she can't expect anyone to sympathize with. Glimmer just lost her mom, and here's Adora, mourning the person who got her killed.

Adora loves Catra. She _loves_ her. She can't deny it in the wake of that dream, and she doesn't want to anymore. Pretending this doesn't hurt has never made her feel any better, only clogged up inside. Even in her most joyous moments with Bow and Glimmer, there's always been a shadow of sadness lurking in her mind, reminding her of what she's lost and keeping her from fully connecting and enjoying the moment.

But before yesterday, Adora never felt the full weight of that pain. Watching as Catra got sucked into the portal snapped something inside of her. It was the first time Adora truly broke down over losing Catra, but the situation was so urgent she couldn't mourn for long.

Now, she has time.

It seems never ending, this well of heartache, of tears and sobs. Adora knows from experience that she will cry herself out eventually, but her ribs are aching and she doesn't feel any better. Crying doesn't satisfy this need to mourn, to express the depths of her sorrow. She needs to do something else.

Fruitlessly swiping at the endless stream of tears, Adora heads to her desk and digs out her journal. Bow gave it to her a while back, saying that writing her thoughts down might help her understand and express her feelings. Adora's never been very good at dealing with feelings, and growing up in the Horde certainly didn't help with that. But she's trying.

Opening to a fresh page, Adora stares at the blank space for a moment, unsure how to begin. How can she even express this deep sorrow weighing on her and clawing at her insides? She can't put it into words, there's no one who could truly understand the depth of their bond, the gravity of her loss.

...No one, except Catra.

Snorting back the dribbles from her nose, Adora wipes the back of her hand across her eyes and puts her pen to the paper.

_Dear Catra,_

_You are my enemy now, and you always will be. I know that now. All this time, I had hope. Hope that you would realize that Etheria is a beautiful place that needs to be saved, and not destroyed._

_I have no more hope now, and that makes me sad. So sad. Because I miss you, Catra, and I will always miss you._

Adora's eyes squeeze shut, propelling more tears down her cheeks. Surrendering herself to the past, she takes a moment to sit in her most cherished memories. All the things she loved most about Catra. Adora finds herself smiling through her tears as she continues to write.

_I miss your smile. I miss the gleam in your eye when you would beat me in a race during training. I miss laughing with you when we would play a prank on one of the other cadets in the barracks. I even miss you snoring in the bunk above me._

_Those are the things I remember when I think about you. I'm going to try to remember the good things about you, instead of the bad ones. Because those break my heart._

Tears are rolling off her nose now, landing on the paper and blurring the ink. Adora begins sobbing again, but not out loud, not really. A faint hissing sound is all that can make it through her tight, aching throat as her body shakes with sorrow.

_I'm sorry things ended up like this. I really am. But even if we could go back in time, I wouldn't do things any other way._

Swallowing hard, Adora signs off with the words she needs to say most.

_Love,_

_Adora_

She barely gets the words down before her trembling hand gives out and another wail rises up from her lungs. Elbows braced on the desk, she rests her face in her hands and cries, not even trying to hold back the whimpers and choked sobs.

This is goodbye. She knows it. She wishes she could say it to Catra's face. A punch and a withering glare is hardly the way to say goodbye to the person you love most in the world. But even if she could say it, Catra wouldn't want to hear it. That might be what hurts most of all.

This flood of tears is shorter than the ones preceding it. Maybe Adora finally has cried herself out, or maybe writing that actually did make her feel better. She feels numb, purged, and that is better, in a way. Emotion is no longer bouncing around inside her, demanding a way out. She put it on the page. She wishes she could have expressed these things with loving touches instead - those were always easier for her than words - but touch between her and Catra is never loving anymore. Except when they were in the portal. In the portal it was so natural, so easy. It made her heart soar in a way she'd forgotten it could.

She wishes, she wishes…

Adora gives her head a sharp shake. There's no use wishing for things that can never happen. She said it herself, even if she could go back she wouldn't do anything differently. And she knows now that there's no point wishing for Catra to change. So they are at an impasse. These are things Adora can no longer have, things she'll have to find a way to live without. She's survived so far, always ignoring the feelings of sadness and despair, hoping she and Catra would find a way back to each other. But now that hope is dead and gone.

Sighing resignedly, Adora rips the page out and folds it up. Pressing her lips to the paper, she lingers a moment before shoving it deep into one of her drawers where no one will ever find it. She will never send it. But it felt good to write it down.

She barely makes it back to bed before collapsing into a dreamless sleep. There is nothing left to dream of.

* * *

A/N: Some credit for this has to go to Mistbix on Tumblr because a piece of their art sparked a lot of the feelings that made me write this.

Thanks also to Jaelav3 for first posting the Catradora content from the guide on Twitter and making the fandom go nuts. Unrelated, if you like this angsty content go read her story _Hey Adora, Love Catra_ over on the AO3, it's similar to my story _Demons_ only somehow even darker.


End file.
